BSkyB scam!

As can be seen clearly in the picture attached to this post, Sky TV are in cahoots with local gold farming companies.

There can be no other reason for their booths to be so close in an Oxfordshire shopping precinct.

"No more internet by 2015" warn warners

"No more internet by 2015" was the statement issued today by one of the heads of the Internet Research Facility based in the heart of silicon valley, the I.R.F. Spokesman, Hubert Greflandanivich, When met with mocking laughter and deriding sneers from the assembled press explained himself

"The internet mine was discovered back in 1974 and was instantly harvested and spread around the world as a method of distributing porn and for the Americans to lord superiority over the United States of Europe, Unfortunatly the internet has been explanding since it's initial distribution and is being consumed at such an alrming rate, We sent a survey team down into the mine and they have reported that at the current rate there will be a complete lack of internet by 2015" Shouting to be heard over the histerical gathered crowd all fapping over their Blackberrys he continued

"With careful management and a stupidly large government grant we may be able to sustain a controlled expansion until 2020, by which time we hope an alternative will be found"

Upon hearing the news the U.N. immediatly rechannelled all aid funds into the I.R.F new project

Jeff Goldblum refused to comment at this time.

Transformers

Robots in disguise. Awesomeness with no bounds.

If it was never made as a toy, it would never have become a comic, which would never have been a cartoon, then another, then another, then several more and finally a Live Action Movie!

So thank plastic and Marvel comics! Thank them before Peter Cullin dies!

Money

It doesn't grow on trees. It makes the world go 'round. It's not everything.

People without money come up with the daftest things.

Richard Branson, Chairman of Virgin Group, doesn't sit at home, feeling glad about how rich he is, in spirit. He sits at home on his chair made of bank-notes and eats pound coins like they were mint imperials!

Bill Gates, former CEO of Microsoft, gets showered in the water caused by compressing fifteen thousand dollars in one-dollar notes. The machine used to compress this money enough to extract showering-water, costs two million dollars to run. He showers twice daily.

There's even an entire country where everybody has millions of dollars! Of course, that country is Zimbabwe, so that's not a good thing... But if they ever need a tourism boom, just call on the Quadrillionaires (in Zimbabwe) Bill Gates and Richard Branson to inject some cash into the country.

For the rest of us, who make little-to-no money doing basic, everyday jobs... There's always the Lottery.

Relativity: Hoax?

It has long been stated that, E=MC2 is a physics constant. But if time is relative tio the viewer, how can it be a constant to the viewee?

Recently hired Physics Professor Harold Hamish, Ph.D, was tasked with finding the truth.

"I'm baffled!" he reports to us, exclusivly. "How could a genius of his caliber forget to carry the fifty eight?!"

In his professional opinion, despite being terrible at mathematics, Albert Einstein could not have simply miscalculated.

"It's got to be a joke." Harold Hamish, Ph.D states. "A cruel, unusual joke... No wonder the crackpot invented the atomic bomb..."

Once Harold Hamish, Ph.D was corrected on the fact that Einstein was a genius in mathematics by age 14, as well as physics by age 20, he scoffed and punched a waiter.

"Look at that stupid picture!" he complained. "He looks like an idiot! I could science circles around him!"

At this point, he was escorted out of the room by police.

So the question perhaps will never be answered. Was Relativity a hoax?

"Zombies A-OK" Sais PM

Gordon 'Have they forgotten about the economic crisis yet?' Brown announced at a press conference earlier today that Zombies are welcome in Britain. Believing the walking dead to be the shot in the arm the UK needs, breeding some lifeblood back into homegrown industry. Brown went on to say:

"...Any and all Dead or Undead people wishing to seek asylum in the UK from today will be fast tracked into the country and allocated employment based on Key factors of Ability, Decomposition, Temperament and Odour"

The government advisers that have spearheaded the incentive have been subject to harsh criticism by un-undead activists, the chairperson for The Z.E.B.N.G. (Zombies Eat Brains, Not Good) Jennifer Fenginschiefer released this statement

"We strongly oppose any and all plans to willingly introduce the undead into an uncontained environment, Several of our members have been subject to brutal and discriminatory attacks from these "Zombies". This is a foolish move that will backfire"

When faced with these comments and government spokesperson responded with this statement:

"Waaah waaah! poor baby-diddums got eaten by a zombie. Waaah!" whilst rubbing their eyes in an overly exaggerated fashion.

A spokesperson from the Z.A.P.T. (Zombies Are People Too) had this to say:
"Braaains Gnaugghhh... Rugh nugh HNNNNUGRGR! Ghnurrgh rugnhg fuuuughhg.."

We then hired a translator whom told us he had this to say:

"We feel that the Zombie population as a whole has been uncategorically generalised by the ferals among us, and that, with proper controlled exposure we can contribute to the rich and varied cultural tapestry of Britain"

Industry leaders have shown interest in the cost saving elements of the undead vs. living, whilst Union leaders are expressing concerns on the Health and Safety and unemployment issues surrounding the incentive. Both have refused to comment at this time.

Todays observation: Bankers and bonuses

Seriously?

They are seriously expecting to get a bonus?

These guys cripple the economy of the country, and expect a slap on the back and a fat bonus.
If I crippled anything to do with my company, I would be sacked. End of.

Seriously, Get off my country, We're going back to mattresses and teapots, Banks can shove it.