England was besieged on all sides today by an unknown substance that fell from the sky and lay menacingly upon our green and verdant lands.
Sketchy reports came in the early hours from the southern part of the country that this substance was literally 'Floating out of nowhere and staying on the ground' over the next few hours thousands of residents of one town didn't realize the danger they were in.
"It was magical really" sais Jed Thompson, 42 from Brighton "This stuff starting appearing as if by magic, we were all enthralled by it, and before we knew it an inch thick and was covering everything" Jed had woken the rest of his family, Wife Judy, 38, Continues:
"Jed woke me differently from normal, He sounded excited and out of breath, which is rare for him and said that it was beautiful outside, I went to look and saw this powder covering everything"
This is when things took a turn for the worst
"I realized that it wasn't stopping, thats when I grabbed the kids and barricaded us into the bedroom"
The Thompsons were not alone, Further North the Brendes were not so lucky, their neighbor, Ethel Jones, 87, recounts
"I was woken by a smell of smoke love, Looked out the window and through the barrage I saw lovely Brian hunched over a fire, Nice chap he was, Gave him a wave and he saw me, Scared he was, Eating something, And I thought to myself, I thought, 'Eee, Midnight snack' Wasn't until morning they found only his head, Eaten himself to survive, Poor buggar, Do you want a cup of tea love?"
The town of Lon-Don was brought to a complete standstill by the barrage, hundreds are feared dead after blind panic swept the streets, people reporting that they had raised the threat level to 'brown trousers' and all residents had ceased all muggings and violent rapes until this phenomenon had stopped.
NEWS UPDATE:
A state of national emergency has been declared throughout Britain, it is advised that you stay inside, barricade all windows and doors and prepare to resort to cannibalism. Jamie Olivers new book 'Cooking with People' will be fired through a cannon into peoples holmes, Please contact your local council to see deployment schedules.
Top scientists are currently working to find a way to combat this menace and are appealing for international aid.
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