"No more internet by 2015" warn warners

"No more internet by 2015" was the statement issued today by one of the heads of the Internet Research Facility based in the heart of silicon valley, the I.R.F. Spokesman, Hubert Greflandanivich, When met with mocking laughter and deriding sneers from the assembled press explained himself

"The internet mine was discovered back in 1974 and was instantly harvested and spread around the world as a method of distributing porn and for the Americans to lord superiority over the United States of Europe, Unfortunatly the internet has been explanding since it's initial distribution and is being consumed at such an alrming rate, We sent a survey team down into the mine and they have reported that at the current rate there will be a complete lack of internet by 2015" Shouting to be heard over the histerical gathered crowd all fapping over their Blackberrys he continued

"With careful management and a stupidly large government grant we may be able to sustain a controlled expansion until 2020, by which time we hope an alternative will be found"

Upon hearing the news the U.N. immediatly rechannelled all aid funds into the I.R.F new project

Jeff Goldblum refused to comment at this time.

Transformers

Robots in disguise. Awesomeness with no bounds.

If it was never made as a toy, it would never have become a comic, which would never have been a cartoon, then another, then another, then several more and finally a Live Action Movie!

So thank plastic and Marvel comics! Thank them before Peter Cullin dies!

Money

It doesn't grow on trees. It makes the world go 'round. It's not everything.

People without money come up with the daftest things.

Richard Branson, Chairman of Virgin Group, doesn't sit at home, feeling glad about how rich he is, in spirit. He sits at home on his chair made of bank-notes and eats pound coins like they were mint imperials!

Bill Gates, former CEO of Microsoft, gets showered in the water caused by compressing fifteen thousand dollars in one-dollar notes. The machine used to compress this money enough to extract showering-water, costs two million dollars to run. He showers twice daily.

There's even an entire country where everybody has millions of dollars! Of course, that country is Zimbabwe, so that's not a good thing... But if they ever need a tourism boom, just call on the Quadrillionaires (in Zimbabwe) Bill Gates and Richard Branson to inject some cash into the country.

For the rest of us, who make little-to-no money doing basic, everyday jobs... There's always the Lottery.

Relativity: Hoax?

It has long been stated that, E=MC2 is a physics constant. But if time is relative tio the viewer, how can it be a constant to the viewee?

Recently hired Physics Professor Harold Hamish, Ph.D, was tasked with finding the truth.

"I'm baffled!" he reports to us, exclusivly. "How could a genius of his caliber forget to carry the fifty eight?!"

In his professional opinion, despite being terrible at mathematics, Albert Einstein could not have simply miscalculated.

"It's got to be a joke." Harold Hamish, Ph.D states. "A cruel, unusual joke... No wonder the crackpot invented the atomic bomb..."

Once Harold Hamish, Ph.D was corrected on the fact that Einstein was a genius in mathematics by age 14, as well as physics by age 20, he scoffed and punched a waiter.

"Look at that stupid picture!" he complained. "He looks like an idiot! I could science circles around him!"

At this point, he was escorted out of the room by police.

So the question perhaps will never be answered. Was Relativity a hoax?

"Zombies A-OK" Sais PM

Gordon 'Have they forgotten about the economic crisis yet?' Brown announced at a press conference earlier today that Zombies are welcome in Britain. Believing the walking dead to be the shot in the arm the UK needs, breeding some lifeblood back into homegrown industry. Brown went on to say:

"...Any and all Dead or Undead people wishing to seek asylum in the UK from today will be fast tracked into the country and allocated employment based on Key factors of Ability, Decomposition, Temperament and Odour"

The government advisers that have spearheaded the incentive have been subject to harsh criticism by un-undead activists, the chairperson for The Z.E.B.N.G. (Zombies Eat Brains, Not Good) Jennifer Fenginschiefer released this statement

"We strongly oppose any and all plans to willingly introduce the undead into an uncontained environment, Several of our members have been subject to brutal and discriminatory attacks from these "Zombies". This is a foolish move that will backfire"

When faced with these comments and government spokesperson responded with this statement:

"Waaah waaah! poor baby-diddums got eaten by a zombie. Waaah!" whilst rubbing their eyes in an overly exaggerated fashion.

A spokesperson from the Z.A.P.T. (Zombies Are People Too) had this to say:
"Braaains Gnaugghhh... Rugh nugh HNNNNUGRGR! Ghnurrgh rugnhg fuuuughhg.."

We then hired a translator whom told us he had this to say:

"We feel that the Zombie population as a whole has been uncategorically generalised by the ferals among us, and that, with proper controlled exposure we can contribute to the rich and varied cultural tapestry of Britain"

Industry leaders have shown interest in the cost saving elements of the undead vs. living, whilst Union leaders are expressing concerns on the Health and Safety and unemployment issues surrounding the incentive. Both have refused to comment at this time.

Todays observation: Bankers and bonuses

Seriously?

They are seriously expecting to get a bonus?

These guys cripple the economy of the country, and expect a slap on the back and a fat bonus.
If I crippled anything to do with my company, I would be sacked. End of.

Seriously, Get off my country, We're going back to mattresses and teapots, Banks can shove it.

Police Clothing: The Future

It is said that the future is now, but if that is true, there are certain questions that need answering.

Where are my flying cars? Why are they not running on recycled food? And why aren't there any special forces units that consist of women who wear hardly anything?

I'll tell you where: Nowhere! If they were, you could count on one thing happening - more crime. So how do we get our police officers wearing less? QUIT ATTACKING THEM!

Public service announcement by Daily Mania.

Celebrity cull bill passed

The new president elect Barack Obama has recently passed the two-hundreth and seventy third amendment outlawing all celebrities. The details of the bill have been kept under wraps for the weeks after his Inauguration and have recently become public after a landslide vote in favour of the change.

The Amendment, or Reason 273 as it is affectionatly known, Allows the unrestricted cull of all celebrities in the United States and associated areas. A spokesperson from the whitehouse issued the following statement:

"The 273 allows any American citizen to eliminate any and all celebrities deemed not to be contributing to society in any meeningfull way and receive a tax-exempt status for a period based upon the celebrity, President Obama has felt strongly about this issue since first witnessing Paris Hilton, I mean, Seriously, What is she actually famous for? Stupid dogs? Please.."

Opposing party members are advising that the 273 could bankrupt the already financially unstable America, These reports have been met with sarcastic responses and mooning from the those within the whitehouse.

Upon hearing the news Gordon 'Sorry I fucked up the economy' Brown decided that he may be considering introducing a similar scheme in the UK, Inccluding anyone whom has ever appeared or applied for Big Brother, Hoodies and the elderly.

Anime Girls - Real or "Cosplay"?

Long thought to be a myth of animation, kinky Anime girls do actually exist.

For some reason, only appearing in Convention Centres across the world, during things called "Anime Con"'s or "Comic Con"'s, and even at the rare "Sci-Fi Con". They appear for the days of the Convention, but as soon as it's over, they vanish into the mists again.

There is much photographic evidence of it, but because some of the pretty girls look rather manly in-person, they were thought to be costumes worn by "normal" people. But after intense study, it is shown that by traversing the barrier between the two universes, they are altered in such a way that they seem much unlike their on-screen counterparts.

The so-called "Cosplay" phenomenon is nothing but a cruel hoax to make people think that these are people who are a total whizz with a sewing kit! At last the truth is out - and it is sexy.

England under siege!

England was besieged on all sides today by an unknown substance that fell from the sky and lay menacingly upon our green and verdant lands.

Sketchy reports came in the early hours from the southern part of the country that this substance was literally 'Floating out of nowhere and staying on the ground' over the next few hours thousands of residents of one town didn't realize the danger they were in.

"It was magical really" sais Jed Thompson, 42 from Brighton "This stuff starting appearing as if by magic, we were all enthralled by it, and before we knew it an inch thick and was covering everything" Jed had woken the rest of his family, Wife Judy, 38, Continues:
"Jed woke me differently from normal, He sounded excited and out of breath, which is rare for him and said that it was beautiful outside, I went to look and saw this powder covering everything"
This is when things took a turn for the worst
"I realized that it wasn't stopping, thats when I grabbed the kids and barricaded us into the bedroom"

The Thompsons were not alone, Further North the Brendes were not so lucky, their neighbor, Ethel Jones, 87, recounts

"I was woken by a smell of smoke love, Looked out the window and through the barrage I saw lovely Brian hunched over a fire, Nice chap he was, Gave him a wave and he saw me, Scared he was, Eating something, And I thought to myself, I thought, 'Eee, Midnight snack' Wasn't until morning they found only his head, Eaten himself to survive, Poor buggar, Do you want a cup of tea love?"

The town of Lon-Don was brought to a complete standstill by the barrage, hundreds are feared dead after blind panic swept the streets, people reporting that they had raised the threat level to 'brown trousers' and all residents had ceased all muggings and violent rapes until this phenomenon had stopped.

NEWS UPDATE:
A state of national emergency has been declared throughout Britain, it is advised that you stay inside, barricade all windows and doors and prepare to resort to cannibalism. Jamie Olivers new book 'Cooking with People' will be fired through a cannon into peoples holmes, Please contact your local council to see deployment schedules.

Top scientists are currently working to find a way to combat this menace and are appealing for international aid.

Videogame Horror!

Hackers, gamers and researchers alike are desperately trying to find a way to stop videogames from stopping.

It was found that every single videogame that was coded, since 1991, has a built-in error that will render it completely useless unless at a certain date. It is know that unless a fix is created, this problem will be recreated in every videogame coded until at least 2022

Though the date is unknown, it has been strongly suggested that everyone stops the use of any and all videogame material. One expert even went as far as to say "AARRRRGGGHHHH!" in sheer shock.

Things that may go wrong with videogame software includes: Deletion of saved games, wiping of hard drives, spontaneous combustion of nearby electrical outlets and rude emails being sent to everyone on your contacts list.

Once again, from all of the people on this News Blog, do NOT PLAY VIDEOGAMES.

Man Flu: Most serious illness known to mankind!

It has finally come to pass whereby the almost-deadly disease known as "Man Flu" has been classed as a Category Eleventeen illness.

This will come as a shock to thousands of girlfriends and wives, who have always believed it a terrible hoax.

Symptoms of Man Flu are as follows: Running nose, headaches, sore throat - there are many, but those are the main ones to look out for.

Treatment is as follows: Complete bed rest, warm drinks, run of the tv remote and anything else that would bring some semblance of happiness to you.

Todays Observation: Woman gives birth to octuplets

It's a vagina, Not a clown car

That is all

Revealled: Why sea water is salty

It's taken scientists weeks of study, but they have finally published a report telling the real reason why salt water is salty. This reporter must warn you that you may not enjoy finding out the reason...

Scientists first became aware of this when they were following up on tagged dolphins that were migrating south for the winter, despite being on the Australian coast. They followed the trail to the coast of Heard Island, where a terrible noise was heard over the sound of the research yacht's motor.

Once the scientists were on the deck, they could see the water foaming "... as if maddened piranha were tearing apart an elephant..." Using telescopes and binoculars, they found the water to be filled with all manner of amphibious wildlife ejaculating wildly into the water. There was no mistaking this as some sort of mating ritual, as it was exclusively male animals.

This continued for three days before the animals dispersed and the cloudy water began to clear. It's unclear what set this event off, but it is very clear now just why water is salty.